The beginning of a new academic year seems as good a time as any to question fundamental assumptions.  And so, herewith an attempt to answer that extremely critical question, “How might life work if it were modeled on the book publishing industry?”  Something like this, perhaps:

All of us would have to prepare and submit proposals to be born, most of which would be rejected multiple times before being accepted by one of the prospective parents on our list.

A few of us would receive multiple offers and thus be empowered to select our parents from among a field of several interested candidates.

An even smaller group of us would make that decision with the assistance of a birthing agent, who would help us obtain the most lucrative possible parenting offer, in return for which he or she would then be entitled to fifteen percent of our lifetime earnings.

The most generous parenting offers would generally go to those who had been successfully born at least once before.

Upon acceptance of a parenting offer, the two parties would sign a contract drafted by the parents’ attorney.

All such contracts would contain a clause stipulating that the party being born would be “satisfactory in form and content” to the parents.

Likewise, all parenting contracts would contain a clause stipulating that our parents would pay us a royalty equal to fifteen percent of their net proceeds (less certain expenses) from birth until termination.

And speaking of termination, all parenting contracts would also contain a clause stipulating that parents could terminate the agreement for cause at any time.

Despite both parties’ initial enthusiasm, most parenting contracts would terminate within three to five years, at which point we would be declared “out of family,” thus legally freeing our parents from all further obligation.

Upon being declared “out of family,” a few of us would find a new home in the form of a reparenting house, which would put us back “in family” but at a much lower royalty rate.

Most of us, on the other hand, would end up in the remainder bin at our local independent (or chain) child store.

When all was said and done, most of us would find that our total royalty earnings were insufficient to cover even minimal expenses, requiring us to find another line of work in order to sustain life.

So what do you think, dear reader?  Does this sound like an improvement on your current life?  If so, run, don’t walk, to your nearest source of counseling services.—IER